


Just Got Hitched

by ang3lba3



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, T for swearing, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 06:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18338045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ang3lba3/pseuds/ang3lba3
Summary: Dean and Cas get married. Sam doesn't understand why. Neither do they, really.Alternate titles: "Cas finally makes an honest woman out of Dean" and "that's not how taxes WORK"





	Just Got Hitched

**Author's Note:**

  * For [casbean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/casbean/gifts).



Dean Winchester walked into a courthouse on April 2nd, legally single and deceased. He left legally single and deceased and climbed into the Impala. He did not open the passenger door, because last time he’d tried that Cas had gotten smacked in the head with it somehow. When they drove away, the cans tied to the bumper rattled merrily along the potholes.

-*-

They had a whispered conference before the expedited ceremony, kicked off by Cas’ rather panicked overhearing of the couple ahead.

“Till _death?”_ he hissed. “That’s it?”

“Fuck,” Dean said thoughtfully. “It seems like a waste if we just have to come in again in a few months.”

“And what about the afterlife? Or resurrections?” Cas scowled and crossed his arms. “I’m not marrying you just so that next time I’m temporarily on another plane of existence you get a girlfriend and a dog.”

“That’s Sam’s move! I’m a slut and a barfly, not _unoriginal_.” Dean protested.

“What about faithful? You’ve never been faithful, and I am a fallen angel.”

“Not that kind of faithful, but you make a fair point.” Dean bit his lip pensively. “Do our own vows?”

“We _can do that?”_

“Not to be rude at our wedding, but didn’t you marry that Daphne chick before, like, c’mon, work with me, Cas.”

“Mr Cas Steve and Mr …Rock N. Rolles?” a voice called. Dean and Cas snapped their heads up to look at the justice of the peace, now done with the other couple. She seemed appropriately skeptical of the names. “I’m sorry, are those typos or-”

-*-

“I’ve been calling for hours! Where have you BEEN?!” Sam yells, shaking like a wet dog, and yelling like if he pours enough steam out his ears he’ll dry off.

“Getting married,” Dean says casually, dropping onto the shitty motel bed that doesn’t have wet Sam on it. Oh, I see, you thought that was an extreme metaphor, with Sam being a wet dog, meant to show that he was shaking with fury. Ha. Yeah. Sam _wishes._

“Dean, it’s not April 1st. You can’t leave me to deal with lake mutants by myself and then claim you were just _getting_ _married_ like you have anyone to get married to-” Sam stops abruptly, and turns his eyes on Cas, who has opted to sit on top of Dean rather than the bed.

“Yes?” Cas prompts gently when Sam doesn’t continue speaking. “Your face is very red, Sam, are you quite alright?”

“I can’t believe you took me seriously. You got _married?”_ Sam sputters incredulously. “You two aren’t legally citizens! Or alive! You don’t need to be married to visit each other in the hospital, that was just a dumb plot twist on Dr Sexy, and I can’t believe you _abandoned me to get married for no reason.”_

“I wouldn’t say _no_ reason,” Cas says. Underneath him, Dean grunts softly in a way that signifies he’s losing feeling in his legs, so with a put upon sigh Cas rolls onto the mattress.

“Oh, like you’re going to file your taxes jointly?” Sam fumes. “YOU DON’T FILE TAXES.”

“It’s a free country, Sam!” Dean snaps. “Can’t two guys get married anymore? You bragged about voting for Obama when that passed, but I’m the only one who seems to be using it!”

Sam gaped wordlessly, before managing to choke out a few. “Using- _using_ the law-”

“And I pay taxes! I pay sales tax every single day, I pay vice tax, I pay-”

“Married. To pay less. Less vice tax?” Sam says faintly, collapsing backward onto his bed. “Taxes, taxes don’t work like. Less sales tax. Because of gay. Gay marriage.”

-*-

Later, when Sam’s mumbled himself to sleep, Cas goes, “Dean?”

Dean’s been staring really hard at the motel bedspread. It’s not interesting, though he supposes it might just be a matter of perspective on that. It is far more interesting than the conversation that Cas wants to have, must inevitably need to have about why the fuck two dudes felt the urge to take advantage of their same-sex marriage freedoms.

“…yeah?” Dean mutters when Cas starts poking his armpit. Dean is a big bad hunter who isn’t ticklish, so no giggles happened before he acknowledged his groom. Angel. Person. His - not his anything! Just, y’know, sorta his husband.

“Why _did_ we get married?” Cas asks. There’s nothing in his tone that hints to the kind of response that Dean can give and remain married.

“Why’d you marry me?” Dean counters, because when in doubt chicken out.

“So you could be my husband,” Cas says very slowly. Not very slowly like he can’t think of the words, more very slowly like he thinks Dean is being deliberately obtuse. Dean, who had figured if he got married to Cas then he had legal jurisdiction over whether or not Cas died or lied to him or left him ever again, is absolutely stunned for a moment.

“Well.” Dean is shaking a little bit because they really hadn’t talked much past ‘want to get married?’ the day before, and he’d assumed that Cas’ reasons were probably along the same lines as whenever someone offered him a new food and he tried it even when it wasn’t food. “Same, obviously. Otherwise, there’s really no point to us…getting married. Besides being husbands.”

Cas hums in agreement and curls his face into Dean’s neck.

“Don’t tell Sam,” Dean adds on, an afterthought.

“Tell him…we got married?” Dean can feel Cas’ face twisting into a frown. “I think he knows, though he seemed rather confused about why people marry each other. Overly focused on taxes, considering I don’t pay any, and haven’t since the Roman Empire.”

“The Roman-”

“God said to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, people kept getting executed for petty tax evasion and it was hard to keep the vessel birthrates up in those conditions. He thought we should make an example. But Caesar’s been dead a while, so… I’m not going to start back up now. They don’t even execute for that in this country. Why is he obsessed with taxes?”

“Oh,” Dean says, mind spinning. “You know, law degree. Stuff. Probably flashbacks to Stanford, that was the last time he went properly swimming and with the lake and stuff… Not important, I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

“Hm,” Cas hums. “Well, goodnight.”

“Yeah, you too. Sweet dreams, Cas.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to Flo, cuz i wouldnt have written it unless i made that joke to her.


End file.
